I’ve been plagued by my perfectionism my entire life.

I cried the night before first grade because I couldn’t independently read Baseball Ballerina, a book at a third grade reading level.

I missed a step in my first ballet solo in the fourth grade so I ran off the stage.


Photo by Alexander Andrews on Unsplash

“Hi Sara, It is Dr. <blank> calling from redacted. I’m calling to check on you after your transfer.”

“Hmmm, yes the pain is normal. Extra Strength Tylenol should touch the cramping.”

“Oh it isn’t, you could also try a heat pack.”

“As for the spotting that could mean a few…


Dating back to ancient civilizations in Greece, Babylonia, China, and the Middle East, Numerology is the belief in a relationship between numbers and an event or a set of letters that indicate a higher meaning. I’ll be the first to say that I’m a skeptic of these sorts of beliefs…


The air was legitimately fertile. It felt heavy with heat as the Balinese bugs buzzed and butterflies floated around. There were large green palm leaves framing every entrance and red hibiscus, anthurium, and orchids everywhere you looked. We were literally staying in the middle of a rainforest and I was…


I got my first period after my loss in late December. It had been 43 days since I lost my second baby. The TTC (trying to conceive) community warns the holidays are stressful for women who are experiencing infertility. I think many dream about gifts under their tree for a…


Dear Me,

Remember that your positivity and hard work has not disappeared in the face of infertility. After so much failure, it is hard to pick yourself up and believe that you can do it. That is ok. You were a person before you couldn’t get pregnant. You are still…


My friend sends me a few pages from a book. The book is about pregnancy and discusses the term microchimerism. Microchimerism is a scientific concept that explains how the cells of a baby live inside of the mother and the baby as life goes on. So my mother is walking…


On Instagram the other day, I read a post that said:

“All babies are miracles, and this one, whom I prayed for, begged the universe for, slammed the ground in hysterics for, lit magic wish papers for, saw a psychic for, did a million workout classes for, drank all the…


I fervently opened the creaky drawers of my dining room hutch. Digging through the papers and the dog sweaters to look for it. I forgot if I took it out of the box. I couldn’t find it. I took a deep breath. I really needed it this time. I opened…


A week after my second miscarriage, Cosmopolitan published their first ever pregnant cover girl, Emma Roberts.

The IVF community I follow on Instagram hailed the achievement. This was a big deal — representation.

If you got past the stunning cover in which Emma was dressed in a Barbie pink tennis…

Emily Lepkowski

NYC woman struggling with infertility.

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