Lists

On Instagram the other day, I read a post that said:

“All babies are miracles, and this one, whom I prayed for, begged the universe for, slammed the ground in hysterics for, lit magic wish papers for, saw a psychic for, did a million workout classes for, drank all the woo woo juice for, went to therapy for, injected myself with countless needles for, and did all the things for, is no different.”

And the words made me feel SO seen. I feel like I’ve lost myself in the things that I’ve done “FOR” my unborn children.

It started with not drinking wine during weekdays. It progressed to a clean diet with no gluten and no dairy. I started acupuncture once a week. Then, I started juicing celery. I took tinctures. I went on vacations to relax. I blended my exercise routine so that I maintained my weight but also settled my mind with restorative yoga.

I took fertility statues into my home. I prayed the “Hail Mary” over and over again, squeezing my eyes to fall asleep. I placed essential oils next to my bedside to soothe and awaken me. I bought new bedspreads to increase my sleep comfort. I read about cleansing diets and protein diets and egg quality diets.

I filled my medicine cabinet with vitamins that I couldn’t pronounce. I followed every infertility account on instagram that I could find. I danced to find happiness. I had sex in different positions.

I started therapy and then, I started going every week. I cried myself to sleep too many nights. I cut out all sugar but kept my dark chocolate. And like the author I injected myself with hundreds of needles trying to grow just one egg that would be viable. I drank too much wine and threatened to leave my husband.

I still have no eggs and I still have no baby.

The instagram post is a happy birthday message to the author’s 5 year old son. After I felt seen, I still felt all alone.